Sunday, August 28, 2016

Jealousy

Jealousy wasn't something I experienced in my dating life I started liking someone at the end of college 9 years ago.  It got worse when I was rejected by someone I liked that I worked with.  You can find posts about that and what happened in the summer of 2010.  It's too lengthy to put into this post.  I got jealous because she was with someone else.  It was bad and now I get jealous over things in my dating life.

Jealousy is back.  I like someone and the same old shit of rejection.  I know things won't be like it was in the summer of 2010.  That doesn't change the fact that I am jealous.  Not one bit.  I can't handle that she is seeing other people.  Or wants to be with someone other than myself.  The funk returns and I hate it.  It eats away at me.  I wish I never went through this all those years ago.  This might be easier.  It might not trigger this now.

I am in such a funk right now that I feel sick.  I've been in funks before and it has been awful, but I haven't felt sick over it.  This fucking sucks.  I have to move on or so one would say, but I just can't.  I just feel like I can't anyways.  I need things to occupy my mind.  Even if just temporarily.  If I don't have these things to occupy my mind, I will think and think and about this and it will drive me mental.  I feel like I am trapped.  I feel until I eventually get over it, I will continue to be trapped.

I feel like going for a walk will help.  But the last time I was like this, walking helped somewhat.  It helped because I wouldn't be sitting around and just thinking about this.  As I said, sitting around thinking about this effects me.  I just want it to stop.

Feeling this way is not good for my health considering I am epileptic and diabetic.  This combination of stress and jealousy will effect my blood sugar levels.  I know things need to change for the sake of my health, but my motivation is shit right now.  Having no motivation fucking blows.  I need motivation for the sake of my health.  It is important.  This is one thing I've had a hard time at.  I need to get my weight under control.  I want that in the worst way.

With being in a funk, I feel restless.  I feel the need to get out and find something that may mind off being restless.  Something I do is take long showers or baths.  I did that when I was in a real bad funk in 2010.  That is a sign of it. 

I don't know what to do about being jealous  I feel helpless and trapped as I said.  I can't sleep as I just think about her.  I can't get her off my mind.  It sucks because of the jealousy.  I just hate the fact that it fucks around with my life.  It won't let me live my life normally.  If I wasn't jealous I could.  Jealousy is a cruel mistress and it knows it.

Saturday, June 25, 2016

Summit Fun Run - The First Time

This past Saturday on June 18th, I participated in the Summit Fun Run in my hometown of Prince Albert.  This was the first time I ever did something like this.  I was told by my cousin earlier in the year that I should enter something like this.  I wasn't sure I should.  I never really thought about it.  Walking a section of the Rotary Trail many times, I always saw a banner on the fence of some person's place about the Summit Fun Run.  I never gave any thought to entering.  I knew about it, but that was it.  Than I talked to my sister Heather and she suggested I should enter the family or 2k distances with her oldest daughter, my niece, Kaylee.  That didn't happen.

I decided on Friday the 17th to enter the Summit Fun Run.  I walk a lot or I have been since December due to my new lifestyle because of my diabetes I was diagnosed with.  Since the weather has been so nice this spring and into this summer, I have been walking the Rotary Trail.  I am able to walk well over half of it.  There has been a few times I have walked over 10k of it.  With being able to do well over half the Rotary Trail, I signed up for the 10k.  I knew that it would be tough.  But as I said in Instagram comments of a picture of mine, I need to do something more than what I usually do in terms of walking.  10k was exactly that.

I was not the fastest, but that is not what mattered. My time compared to others is not what mattered.  It was personal for me. It was about doing it for myself.

Walked for a little ways with two amazing older ladies. I told them about my health issues and they were encouraging about keeping a good pace. They've been doing this for ten years. In fact passing people on the 10k and even people watching gave a word encouragement or cheered. Some emotional moments for me as I walked.

The run/walking community are some of the most supportive people. Amazing!

 I checked the times and I officially clocked in at 1:38:45 or so.  I don't usually keep track of my times.  Now I will try and keep track of my times to see if I am getting any faster.  That is more a personal thing for me than anything.  Today, June 25th, I walked a 12.5k.  I was able to shave nine minutes off my 10k.  I ended up with a time of 1:29:26.  I had some decent intervals.  My intervals were every 2.5k. 

1. 00:23:36
2. 00:38:06
3. 01:04:08
4. 01:29:26

As I train and work at my times, I will shave off more time.  That is inevitable.  I would like to find a walking/running group to join or possibly start one.  If not, it is all good.  I will continue to push myself regardless.  I am going to work at this and I will need to do it in the winter as well.  No off season as they say.  Let's see how this goes.  It will be interesting for sure.

Thanks for all your positive vibes last week.  I truly appreciate it.  Much love!

Saturday, May 07, 2016

WWE Stars Help Victims of Fort McMurray

Two WWE stars in fellow Canadians Kevin Owens and Tyler Breeze have setup a GoFundMe fundraiser in hopes of raising at least $30,000.  It doesn't matter if you like or hate their characters they portray in the WWE.  They deserve major props for doing this.  They have a couple of perks for donating.  $100 or more gets you a video and follow on Twitter.  Anything less gets you gets you a follow on Twitter.  I encourage you to give something.  Every little bit helps!

 

Wednesday, May 04, 2016

Song of the Day #55

I recently thought of this song while trying to write music.  Nothing was coming out.  I hate writers block.   The chorus of the song is what I related to.  Thanks Bon Jovi for writing this song.

"As My Guitar Lies Bleeding in My Arms" by Bon Jovi
YouTube link



Thursday, April 28, 2016

Song of the Day #54

I was looking up Barenaked Ladies songs today and I came upon "The Old Apartment" once again.  I've never really looked at the lyrics to the song.  I read them and they seemed dark.  The lyrics pulled me towards this idea of a broken relationship.  That's not the case.  It is in fact about going back to their "old apartment" "where we used to live."  He ends up breaking in to reminisce.  He recalls the "broken glass," "the crooked landing, crooked landlord;" and other disadvantages, although he feels nostalga for those memories that are long since gone.

I bet you didn't know that the video was directed by fellow Canadian and fan Jason Priestly.

"The Old Apartment" by Barenaked Ladies
YouTube link


Monday, April 25, 2016

Song of the Day #53

Here is one of the first two singles from Tegan and Sara new forthcoming album entitled "Love You to Death."  There are some lyrics in the chorus that I just get.  If you've followed my blog and know my situation with an exfriend, you'll get the following particular lyrics from the song "Boyfriend."  The rest of the song relate to me as well, but the first two lines of the chorus especially.

You treat me like a boyfriend
You trust me like a... like a very best friend

That is total friendzoning.  Whenever I think about it, that's what it was.  That's why I connect with this song.

"Boyfriend" by Tegan and Sara
YouTube link


Monday, April 18, 2016

Pushing Myself to Lose Weight

Last week I pushed myself.  I pushed myself to start to get some weight off.  I have to do it because of my diabetes.  The beautiful weather is motivation for me to get out there and do a lot of walking and a little jogging.  Proof that it is working is that I have reduced another unit of insulin.  I am down to 29 units.  That is a positive.  The more I work at this, the positives will keep coming.  It may not seem like it now, but it takes time.

I know I have been going harder than rest of the winter with the walking and exercise.  You might even say that I might be overdoing it.  But I have never pushed myself this hard to do this at all.  I wouldn't count the summer of 2010 because I just walked and there were other factors at work during that time.  So it was not like I was pushing myself.

While I was pushing myself last week, I never felt it at the time.  But upon finishing my long walks, I can feel the soreness all over my body.  After the long walk yesterday (Sunday), I really felt it.  I also felt it after my 2 1/2 hour jog on Tuesday.  I don't usually jog.  Now I am slowly building my stamina for jogging.

I have mentioned, maybe not in a blog post, that when I don't walk, I feel slugish.  That was during the winter.  Maybe winter has that effect in making you feel slugish.  I don't feel so slugish now that the beautiful weather is here.  Maybe that is all the hard work so far is paying off.  When I get back to Saskatoon, I am hoping to get some people walking with me.  Keep me motivated.  Maybe I'll get some walking to get their ass moving.  I am thinking my buddy Brad.  BWAHAHAHAHA!

Well, I need a few days to recuperate.  I am so sore.  So, in the mean time and in between time.  Made a classic Ed Whalen reference.  R.I.P.!