Sunday, August 28, 2016

Jealousy

Jealousy wasn't something I experienced in my dating life I started liking someone at the end of college 9 years ago.  It got worse when I was rejected by someone I liked that I worked with.  You can find posts about that and what happened in the summer of 2010.  It's too lengthy to put into this post.  I got jealous because she was with someone else.  It was bad and now I get jealous over things in my dating life.

Jealousy is back.  I like someone and the same old shit of rejection.  I know things won't be like it was in the summer of 2010.  That doesn't change the fact that I am jealous.  Not one bit.  I can't handle that she is seeing other people.  Or wants to be with someone other than myself.  The funk returns and I hate it.  It eats away at me.  I wish I never went through this all those years ago.  This might be easier.  It might not trigger this now.

I am in such a funk right now that I feel sick.  I've been in funks before and it has been awful, but I haven't felt sick over it.  This fucking sucks.  I have to move on or so one would say, but I just can't.  I just feel like I can't anyways.  I need things to occupy my mind.  Even if just temporarily.  If I don't have these things to occupy my mind, I will think and think and about this and it will drive me mental.  I feel like I am trapped.  I feel until I eventually get over it, I will continue to be trapped.

I feel like going for a walk will help.  But the last time I was like this, walking helped somewhat.  It helped because I wouldn't be sitting around and just thinking about this.  As I said, sitting around thinking about this effects me.  I just want it to stop.

Feeling this way is not good for my health considering I am epileptic and diabetic.  This combination of stress and jealousy will effect my blood sugar levels.  I know things need to change for the sake of my health, but my motivation is shit right now.  Having no motivation fucking blows.  I need motivation for the sake of my health.  It is important.  This is one thing I've had a hard time at.  I need to get my weight under control.  I want that in the worst way.

With being in a funk, I feel restless.  I feel the need to get out and find something that may mind off being restless.  Something I do is take long showers or baths.  I did that when I was in a real bad funk in 2010.  That is a sign of it. 

I don't know what to do about being jealous  I feel helpless and trapped as I said.  I can't sleep as I just think about her.  I can't get her off my mind.  It sucks because of the jealousy.  I just hate the fact that it fucks around with my life.  It won't let me live my life normally.  If I wasn't jealous I could.  Jealousy is a cruel mistress and it knows it.

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