I've noticed something I've become in the second half of last year. It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it's something I have to work on. Basically I've noticed I've become cynical. It's prevalent in a certain area of life. No, not when it comes to me. But I've directed it outwards towards others whether they notice it or not. The area of life I am talking about is relationships. When a friend tells me they are seeing someone, whether they are actually in a relationship or not is not the issue, but based on their past history of getting hurt or what have you, I find someone thinking it might happen again or hoping it doesn't happen again.
Thinking for a moment, I get a sense that this stems from certain things that haven't fallen into place in terms of relationships. Getting the runaround, getting the same old line about just being friends, not going to work out, looking for different people, etc., etc.. If you never get the runaround than you have no idea how cynical it has slowly made me. I feel as though as much as some people say they understand, I don't truly believe they quite understand.
I appreciate they tell me stuff, but I get cynical at times because of their history. I guess I need some sort of affirmation that this time is different or this is not like a previous time. It would be reassuring in my mind if they did that much. I just need something to put my mind at ease. But I never always fully get what I seek or want. Or better yet, what I need to put my mind at ease. I feel as though they purposely avoid doing so because maybe deep down they know it's true. Than again, I could be wrong. Or if they tell me everything is fine, I can't help but wonder if it will be.
Plus it's not just them, but other people I know. The stuff they post online like on Facebook that they are in another relationship when they just got out of one. I think to myself, "I wonder how long this will last..." Or if they say they are dating someone when they say they don't want to date for a while. I call bullshit on that because I know I can't believe it.
I used to take things at face value, but slowly I've changed and with somethings I can't. I don't mean to, but I do it. This is something I may have to work on. Of course it will be hard, but it's a necessary thing I have to do.