Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Don't Give Someone a Chance, Push Them Away

The Elite Daily has a great article on their site.  It is spot on.  It is about the reasons that we push people away before we give them a chance.  I found this article struck a chord with me because I've had this done to me and I'm sure many other people have too.

It is a real shitty thing to have happen to you or anyone else for that matter.  But this whole "let's end it before it gets really started" should not be catching on.  It shows that you'd rather not want to take the time to invest in someone.  That is why we want the quick date or the ignore response by not texting them back.  It is either one or the other.  It is even worse when you do a quick date, than never text them again.  Are you too scared to actually to talk to them?  Are you afraid to admit you had a good time and actually like them?  *GASP*  But I've been on the receiving end of a non-date.  I've made plans with someone only for them to back out or give me run around.  Total bullshit.  Why do you need to do something like that?  Tell them you are not interested.  Rejection blows and I hate it.  But rather than giving someone the run around, it is better to be honest.  Nowadays, people won't do that.  Or so it seems.

Do people really think that a date with them shouldn't happen because we have others?  If that were true, do you think someone would invest their time in trying to pursue one with them?  Is a person really that daft that they think you have dates lined up all the damn time?  If I could have my pick of females, I would be with the ones I want instead of wading and almost drowning through the endless crap getting nowhere. 

We are in the era of friends with benefits.  Now, I'm not saying this is always a bad thing.  I've wanted one for a number of years now.  Sure it takes the work out of having to be in a relationship.  That might be wrong to not put effort into getting a relationship.  But never being able to try and establish a relationship, I often think I need just a friend with benefits.  If can establish relationships, that would be good too.  But when you hear of someone you have a mad crush on having friends with benefits with someone else can enrage you or leave you feeling jealous.  I was the latter five summers ago.  It was the summer of 2010.  I was jealous because I wanted to be that guy.  I wanted to be that guy because I wanted the relationship.  I wanted this person bad, but it the feelings weren't mutual and I hated it.  My summer was totally ruined because of it and the fact I was in a funk.

I can tell the story of my first time being depressed.  I just never want to go back to that.  I have experienced smaller bouts of depression since than, but that doesn't make it any easier.

The article goes to goes on to say we've been hurt along the way.  This has made us less confident or less "ballsy."  Now, I've never been the most confident when it comes to the ladies.  Maybe it comes back to rejection.  It is the fear of being rejected.  About Health has an article entitled "What is Fear of Rejection."  Upon skimming it, I've recognized things from my past that I can see that are related to a fear of rejection.  Now, I wouldn't go as far as to say that it cripples every aspect of my life.  It is in the relation aspect that the fear rejection is most prevelant.  That fear is big part of why I maybe lack confidence.  Even with that, I at times suck it up and go for it knowing that rejection is a real possibility.

Getting rejected hurts.  The article states that it is easier to push them away and hurt them before they can hurt you.  It's easier to assume that you're destined to get hurt I guess.  Don't start with that "I always end up getting hurt" attitude.  It's piss poor excuse to not get in a relationship.  It is cop out point blank.  I've never been hurt in relationships.  When I have been hurt, it is because of rejection.  Example, when I made plans with someone I liked and she flaked by saying she couldn't go.  I guess it all comes back to the issue of rejection.

It's not for a lack of me trying even with the above stated rejection being reality for me.  But when people try to let me down easy, they say things like "you'll find someone," "I hope you find someone," "be happy," or some other crap that sounds so condescending.  They should really think about what they sounds to the other person before saying it.  Like the old addage goes, "it sounded better in your head."  I get they are offering support, but it fails more than anything.  I also hate when people tell me to lower my standards and or date someone my own age.  I've tried both of those things, but that failed too.  Just because you have someone in your life doesn't mean you are qualified to be giving out relationship advice. This sometimes comes from the people that have specifically rejected me.  Totally condescending.

 Give the article a read, you'll find that you'll identify with a lot of things in it whether you do it or it happens to you.

1 comment:

Mark said...

I'm not sure I agree entirely with the article, and from examining her other articles on that site I'm convinced she has serious unresolved issues with her mother that filter her perception of other relationships in a not so healthy way. That said, yes, it's a generalization about millenials that we are flaky (perhaps an unfair one at times). Social media acts as an enabler for that behaviour and we have yet to own up to it and better discipline ourselves (discipline, what an ugly word to tell a millenial). I have suffered as a result of flaky relationships, and I too have been flaky to others and ditched a potential relationship last minute because I had a bad feeling about it.

But I think instead of condemning people for ending relationships prematurely and leaving another person seriously hurt it's probably better to teach people some old fashioned advice: wait, be patient, be cautious, guard yourself, don't get overly attached to another person. Social media has enabled to tendency to be impatient which gives instant gratification with the swipe of a touch-screen. I know, it sounds like cheesy Christian dating advice to wait but I've learned the hard way that it's probably better to err on the side of caution and don't lead a person on or get too attached to another person. I get that when all your friends are dating the pressure can get to you, but I just tell myself to not buy into the idea that I have to be like everyone else. And if my friends did pressure me into dating I got two words to share with them: fuck off.

Also, while ditching a relationship prematurely sucks, it's much better than getting into a relationship that one person never wanted. That's where I think the article is ridiculous: it assumes that if a person just gets over their petty worries and flakiness and just commits they'll eventually enjoy the relationship. That might be true in some cases, but not all. I think that is what millenial flakiness is a reaction to: high divorce rates and seeing their parent's marriages grow bitter because they jumped into marriage at a young age because it was expected of them. It's weird for me because my parent's divorced (so I harbour some resentment towards marriage), but I was still brought up believing it was normal for people to get married at a young age and that marriage was a good things for all its potential faults. So, now I'm in my mid-twenties and all my relationships have failed and I've had to adjust my view of relationships because I've learned that's not how people my age see it anymore, and it isn't going to do me any good to compare myself to my friends and family who did get married in their early twenties. I still have my morals and I want to keep my integrity, so I'm not going to be one of those people who uses social dating for a quick fix (plus, I just can't wrap my mind around the idea of online dating).

One piece of advice I did like in the article was where she said relationships just happen, it does not good waiting around for the right time. It kind of relates to her last sentence about how we are always for perfection, we want the person with all the right qualities. It can really effect your self-esteem when someone breaks up with you because you weren't the right one, meaning you didn't have everything, and the feeling is one made worse when they date someone soon after you. Yeah, it sucks. There are too many good things to do in life than to worry about a relationship, but that's just me.